You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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