for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
