I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
