I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
