I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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