the day after is always just damage control
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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