barbara walters just said penis...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
time to smoke my breakfast
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
