Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
