Someone shit on the floor
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
