I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
