Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
