I just threw up on my dentist
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
