Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
FUCK WHALES
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
