If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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