If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize