when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
