what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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