Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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