actually, I'm a sock model
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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