You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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