Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
