oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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