onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
