omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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