I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
