ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
