Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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