your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
