In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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