got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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