I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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