I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
