i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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