I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just invented taco cereal.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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