At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
