Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
