Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize