I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
