I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
