Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He kissed a someone with a penis
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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