Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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