Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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