i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
