I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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