I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
