Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
