We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize