if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
