Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
