You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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