I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
