I just saw a hot homeless man
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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