remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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