The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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