the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
