yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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