I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
