I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
