i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
