Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
