You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
