why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
